Ready? Camera rolling!
Action!
-Hey, what's up? -How's it going?
CLEAN INDIA HEALTHY INDIA
What are we shooting for?
Hello, sir! Which country are you from?
Baagadpur.
A small town on the outskirts of the industrial city of Mujeerabad.
For this story, my contact put me in touch with two reporters…
who work for the local newspaper.
Mujeerabadi Zalzala!
Guys, camera!
Hello.
My name is Bhawra Pandey.
I work as the civic and crime reporter for Mujeerabadi Zalzala.
I like Kim Kardashian and…
this is…
stop gawking and say something.
My name is Kattanni.
I am a writer. I write the horoscope column of the newspaper.
I like space technology, NASA, moon,
rockets, shuttles--
Okay.
Now, tell us why we're here.
-You speak Hindi! -Yeah.
You are one smart cookie, I see!
You see, Baagadpur is very…
-What? -Yes, it's very…
It's very old and ancient.
Oh, ancient. All right.
Yes, ancient.
I'll tell you about an old tradition of Baagadpur.
I am talking about "marriage by capture."
-Bride kidnapping. -Yes!
Yes. See, it's like, when…
when a guy--
May I talk in Hindi?
-Of course. -So, the thing is…
when a guy falls in love with a girl,
he can get the girl kidnapped, and then, he can marry her.
Marriage by capture!
-Let's take him to Babban's place. -Does he have a contract?
Do you want to see how we do it?
Tell me!
Yes, please.
Come. We'll show you.
GUNIYA SHAKEEL AND CO. VIP CHOWK BAAGADPUR, MUJEERABAD DISTRICT
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAY YOU LIVE LONG, BROTHER GUNIYA
MUJEERABADI ZALZALA PRINTING PRESS
Listen, bro! In the olden days,
the groom used to kidnap his bride on his own.
But times have become rough nowadays.
So, today, they get it done on contract basis.
-Contract? -Yes, contract.
Guniya Shakeel And Co.
They're the experts in the business. Have a look.
-How are you, Grandma? -I'm good, son.
They work around the clock. Look.
-Guys, they're making a movie! -Hey!
Buddy, you've lost weight. Are you dieting?
Yes.
Don't point the camera in that direction. He'll shoot you in the ass.
Kattanni, tell him.
Come on, leave.
-Are you crazy? -Idiot!
He's here!
Hey!
He is the groom.
Look at that glowing skin! You got a facial done, right?
He's congratulating you.
That is Brother Pandit, and that is Brother Riyaz.
Both of them do a good job.
Hey, shoot them, not us!
Bye.
That girl… is my wife.
I mean, she is my to-be wife.
I hope, they'll succeed in kidnapping her. I am praying to God.
We're about to witness a bride kidnapping.
-Let's go! -Let go of me!
Let go of me!
Okay, best friend! Goodbye!
This is how we kidnap a bride! Now, it's time for the wedding!
They call it, "marriage by capture!"
It happens every day. Anyway, let's keep playing.
Hello, they got the girl.
Why didn't anybody help her?
It's an age-old tradition that everyone from Baagadpur must follow.
People say that we're breaking the law.
But the law isn't above traditions, right?
It is said that India lives in several centuries at the same time.
-She is here. Shoot. -Let go of me!
Where is the camera?
Hi!
Auntie is here!
Careful. Be gentle.
There you are, my child. You must be tired.
Have some water.
We also want some, Auntie.
It's okay. We all got married in a similar fashion.
Oh, God!
Tell her to be in her limits, Mom!
Or I'll beat the living daylights out of her!
Sisters-in-law already got off on the wrong foot.
Auntie seems to have got insecure.
Look at this beautiful necklace.
It's made of pure gold. It's a 24-carat necklace.
My son's an engineer. He earns well.
He'll treat you like a princess.
Just say "yes," dear.
Stop pinching me! It'll give me a skin infection. God, I am feeling sleepy.
You can't fall asleep, son-in-law. Or else, the witch will show up.
Remember, she has her eyes on the weddings.
So, if the groom falls asleep, she'll steal his bride away.
It means, the singing and dancing…
should continue through the night.
Hey, cameraman! Come and dance with us!
Come on!
Remember, she has her eyes on the weddings.
So, if the groom falls asleep, she'll steal his bride away.
ROMEO
If you have a mean friend, your life can still sail.
But if you have a mean lover, your life becomes hell.
Wow!
So, guys! Today, I'll tell you about
three kinds of lovers you should stay away from.
The grumbling kind, the failing kind, and the farting kind.
It's our boss.
Crime Reporter Bhawra Pandey reporting, boss.
Crime reporter, my foot!
The name of my newspaper is Mujeerabadi Zalzala.
Our newspaper has not reported a single good story since the last month.
Well, it's the wedding season, boss.
So, everyone's busy celebrating.
But don't worry, boss. I've been getting this feeling since morning.
Something big is going to happen.
And when it does happen, you'll be the first one to get the breaking news, boss.
That's why, I'm going to the city.
Bravo!
Is your sidekick with you?
Yes. My sidekick is here, boss.
I am sending you a picture on WhatsApp.
Pick her up at twelve o'clock from the railway hospital.
What?
Do you mean kidnapping? But--
We've never done it alone, boss.
-Tell him to send Pandit and Riyaz. -What?
Pandit and Riyaz.
Boss, if you could send Pandit and Riyaz--
It's the wedding season!
Pandit and Riyaz are already taking on four assignments per day.
The girl will leave from the railway hospital with her father.
Get her straight to the community wedding hall at two o'clock.
But, boss--
Now, what should we do?
Whom were you calling the "sidekick"?
The sidekick.
Sit straight!
I am just changing gears.
Don't get too excited.
Brother Bhawra…
don't you feel that our life has become meaningless?
I don't feel that, I know that.
Everyone in Baagadpur got married.
Only you and I have remained single.
We still work for Guniya. We still hang out on the old terrace of ours.
You know what? Elon Musk is planning to send cars into space.
The Tesla kind.
And look at us! We're doing the same old stuff.
Oh, are you talking about Riyaz's uncle?
He's sending cars into space!
Incredible.
There's a world outside Baagadpur, you know?
Kattanni, I always dream big.
After reporting a dozen sensational crime cases,
I'll go straight to Noida.
There, I'll get my own prime-time show.
"Tonight, the country wants to know!"
It'll be awesome.
The American said…
that many gorgeous girls work at the news channels.
Yeah…
you bet!
Mark my words, Kattanni! I'll work my magic…
with my leather boots, my black suit,
and the bow tie just like James Bond's.
You'll see how the girls will fall for me at first sight.
I'll fall for only one girl, brother.
The spiritual kind.
She will walk towards me in slow motion. My beauty from space.
Only a witch will fall for you!
He wants a beauty from space!
She's here.
-Who? -Your witch.
MUJEERABAD RAILWAY HOSPITAL
I'll distract her father while you bring the car around.
Then, I'll get the girl instantly, and jump in the car--
Stop. Get going already.
If we lose her in the crowd,
the boss will beat us to a pulp.
Let's go.
MUJEERABAD RAILWAY HOSPITAL BLOOD DONATION
What's your zodiac sign?
Leave us alone. Let us go.
Come.
I'll leave you alone,
but what about the one that's stuck to you like a glue?
Your daughter's stars are in serious jeopardy.
You behave like a Piscean.
Hear me out!
The black hole's gravitational force is creating severe problems for Pisceans.
Birds might poop on you,
and your neighbors might coup on you.
I can give you its solution.
Avoid using shampoos,
comb your hair seven times before leaving the house,
and carry the comb in your pocket.
Do this, and the stars of the Milky Way will bless you.
Also remember, your lucky number is five, and the lucky color is purple.
Leave us alone.
Don't take this lightly!
Hear me out.
Take this money, and leave.
If you squander your wealth like this,
how will you save for your daughter's wedding?
Where the hell is Bhawra?
You're taking this prediction too lightly, Uncle.
Dad!
-Come on! -Dad!
Let go of her!
-Bring her in. -Rascal! Shut your mouth!
-Let go of my child, you-- -Uncle, don't abuse!
-Now, you're behaving rudely! -Dad!
-Bhawra, come here and help me!
Let go of my child!
-Come quickly! -Dad!
Stay back!
-Start the car! -Let go of me! Dad!
-Hurry up! -Guys, what are you doing?
Mind your own business! Get lost!
-Stop-- -Stay back!
-Come on, run! -Somebody, stop them! My daughter--
Speed up! Come on!
Reverse the van!
SAVE DAUGHTERS IF YOU WANT DAUGHTERS-IN-LAW
Dad!
-Let go of me! -What the hell were you doing?
You took forever to show up!
She is strong like Dara Singh!
Bump your heads again or else, you will have bad luck!
God, help me!
Here, use chloroform.
Hurry up!
Give it to me!
Done?
Oh, Jesus.
I guess, she knows martial arts.
Let me just…
I don't want bad luck.
Bhawra!
Boss is calling.
Bride kidnapping specialists…
Bhawra Pandey and Kattanni reporting, boss.
It's been canceled.
What's been canceled?
The wedding has been canceled.
The inspector accidentally shot the groom's uncle while doing the snake dance.
Can't we ban this snake dance at our weddings?
Most of the things get banned here anyway.
Gamchu's dad… always flirts with some auntie while doing the snake dance.
And how can we forget Chandrabhan!
He tries to slip under any woman's skirt while doing the snake dance.
Boss, you should cancel the snake dance, not the wedding.
Shut up.
Now, listen to me carefully.
The groom's uncle is dead. So, the wedding has been postponed.
It has been postponed until his funeral.
Will you stop making that bloody flash sound?
Take the girl to our wood factory in Ambiyapur.
Keep her there for a week. Treat her well.
But boss, that place has no TV or cell phone network.
We'll even miss the next episode of Roadies.
I won't be able to do my horoscopes out there either.
We're not staying in Ambiyapur for a week.
Boss…
what if we abandon her outside Sheila Cinema?
Next week, Pandit and Riyaz can--
-Hello? -Did he hang up?
-Boss! Hello? -He hung up.
-Send him a WhatsApp message. -What?
WhatsApp message, now!
"Boss, send Pandit and Riyaz."
GOOD MORNING, BOSS SEND PANDIT AND RIYAZ
Ambiyapur.
His stupid uncle gets shot, and we have to go to the graveyard.
Where have you brought me?
Please…
Don't fall.
Here.
-Sit. -I want to go back to my father.
Sit here.
Careful.
"Breaking news!
Tonight, boys peeing in the open encountered a vampire!
Dracula offered Bloodiest Mary!
Bhawra Pandey, Mujeerabadi Zalzala."
How was it?
-Go, offer your boss that Bloodiest Mary. -Hey, come on!
He totally embarrassed me in front of those ladies.
As if, you have any reputation among the women.
I have seen your choices in women.
Some have ugly moles, some even have mustaches.
Do you remember watching the movie Avatar?
You fell in love with the blue creature in it.
She was much better than your girl in Titanic.
What a selfish woman!
She took the wooden plank for herself, and left Jack to drown.
Jack drowned in her love, you idiot!
It's called sacrifice.
-Sacrifice, my foot! -Where's the omelet?
Get a plate.
This is such an ugly omelet!
Do you want some ugly scrambled eggs as well?
Miss Roohi.
Miss Roohi, I've got your dinner.
Do you like eggs?
Miss Roohi.
Stop playing hide-and-seek with me.
Don't be scared. It's just an omelet.
Miss Roohi.
Don't do this, please. Or else, our boss will not spare us.
Kattanni!
Come with me!
Where are you taking me? What happened?
She…
is crawling on the wall.
Oh, you got scared of a lizard.
Not a lizard.
She's a ghost. She will eat us, Kattanni.
Why? Doesn't she like eggs?
I went inside to give her the eggs.
But as I entered, I saw that the room was empty.
Windows were sealed, so there was darkness everywhere.
Just then, I saw an image of an evil entity.
She was there on the wall like a devilish Humpty Dumpty.
The plate slipped from my hands as I saw that monstrosity.
Seeing the ghost,
I even pissed in my pants a little bit.
-A ghost? -Yes.
-So, is the girl a ghost? -Yes.
She is a ghost.
-Come on, Bhawra! -No.
-Come with me. -Where are you taking me?
She is very dangerous, Kattanni!
She will devour us. She looked at me with a cross-eyed glare.
-What are you blabbering? -Don't go, Kattanni! Kattanni!
Don't go, Kattanni.
She is very dangerous. Her glare was cross-eyed when she looked at me.
Kattanni.
Do you really think she'll devour us?
She was on the wall.
-Please, don't! -Just come, and have a look.
Look.
Poor thing is just eating eggs covered with dirt.
How in the world will she devour us?
Look, she's even scared of a cockroach.
Nothing is wrong with her.
She--
There just might be a defect in your brain.
You might be hallucinating, Bhawra.
Come, I'll give you a nice head massage. You'll feel refreshed.
Let's go. Such a coward you are.
But--
How can it be a hallucination?
Excuse me.
Are you talking to me?
Food.
What?
I want food.
Oh, you want more food.
I haven't eaten anything since morning.
Please.
Take a sneak peek of your loved one
O heart, express gently to her
Don't tell her everything just yet
Break it to her little by little
Take a sneak peek of your loved one
O heart, express gently to her
Thank you.
It's okay.
She has a lizard-like body, but her diet is like that of a dinosaur.
She emptied the entire egg basket.
What are we going to eat?
We will manage somehow, come on.
Any suspects?
We live in a joint family.
All of us live together.
When I got home and told them about her, they all were very happy.
They got happy in spite of knowing about the kidnapping!
Unfortunately, yes.
Here's another picture of her.
Do you have two daughters?
No.
Sometimes, Roohi also looks like this.
Is this a joke?
What kind of a picture is this!
A year ago, she was supposed to get married.
-Look, your bride is here. -They'd make a wonderful pair.
-Isn't she pretty? -Yes, she's very pretty.
Try something different for a change.
You can't always put on the same expression.
Come up with a different expression.
Last month, our boss was asking,
"Why do all the corpses of Baagadpur look similar?"
All the bulls of Baagadpur also look similar…
like your boss.
Does that mean they are the same bulls? Get up, you idiot!
I'll come up with something.
I'll need more makeup.
You look more like a corpse without the makeup.
Such a thankless guy you are!
Hurry up.
You've experienced
The lavish kind of love before
Which gives you more tears than smiles
It's nothing but a wrong deal
If you want to fall in love
Then fall for someone Closer to your heart
The more careless you were before
The more careful you must be now
You don't have to give All your love at once
Love me in small installments
Kattanni!
"Breaking news!
Werewolves create havoc in Mujeerabad!
-Zombies run amok. -There's a ghost.
Zombie International!"
Ghost!
There's a ghost!
I guess, this was too terrifying for him.
MAY YOU LIVE LONG, BROTHER GUNIYA
GUNIYA SHAKEEL AND CO.
Come on.
Show me the picture.
-Now, show it to me. -Yes, boss.
I see. So, that's the ghost's pic.
Lady… it's a lady ghost.
Lady.
Show it to me, Kattanni.
I am not able to see properly after that heavy workout.
Show it to him.
-Did you see it? -Well…
boss…
I…
I think, it's zoomed in.
Right, Bhawra?
Good. Now, zoom out.
Show me the ghost.
It's in his mind, boss.
He's hallucinating about the ghost.
What are you blabbering, Kattanni?
Sorry, boss.
Boss, I could be hallucinating once but not twice.
I would've clicked a clearer picture,
but her reflection jumped out of the mirror, boss!
She glared at me with red eyes, like they had shown in the movie Terminator!
Boss.
How could you leave her all alone?
I swear on your pecs, boss! She is a ghost!
I'll pull your souls out, and put it on a leash!
I am telling you for the last time.
If you create any more hurdles, I'll pull your balls out!
Hold on a minute. The boss is busy.
-Yeah, tell me. -Keep this money,
and head straight to the wood factory.
-Boss-- -Let's just go, Bhawra.
No.
My balls are stuck.
Mom, how long are you going to keep doing the cardio?
I've already lost 90 calories, son. Now, just five more to go.
Why is this happening with me?
Kattanni!
Look, she didn't even spare that poor deer.
Yeah, I can see that.
Someone's cast a spell on you.
Spell?
I'll go give a burger to the girl.
Kattanni!
One burger isn't enough. She'll need more burgers.
Bhawra!
Bhawra, come quickly! Bhawra!
Hurry up!
-What happened? -She escaped!
What?
Now, do you believe me? Look how she escaped.
Go and check in the forest. I'll look in the factory.
Wait!
Don't act too smart!
What are you going to do in the factory?
Why would she be in the factory now if she wanted to escape?
She might be waiting for the rain to stop.
She tore through the roof and escaped!
Do you think she'll wait for the rain to stop?
Stupid.
She's showing all these superpowers.
You are right.
She went through the roof.
No.
You… you're absolutely right.
But let's reverse the roles.
I'll check in the factory. You should go and check in the forest. Okay?
And don't be scared. I am there.
But keep shouting my name.
-Bhawra! -Yeah, like that.
-Bhawra! -Kattanni!
Miss Roohi!
Bhawra!
Kattanni!
Wow!
Didn't I tell you she will be in the factory?
I was chased by the crows for no reason.
And you both are playing games here.
I'll also play.
Eeny, meeny, miny, Moe. Catch a tiger by the toe.
If he hollers, let him go.
Tag. You're in.
Toilet.
Toilet?
-Toilet? -Yeah.
Toilet.
I got it now.
Your plan is to scare Bhawra, and give us the slip.
He's been scared since last night.
You must be thinking we intend to harm you,
but wait until you find out how kind we are.
You will be happy, when you'll find out why we've kidnapped you.
Got it?
Look, I can't tell you clearly…
but because you're a special case,
try and solve this riddle.
Try and guess why we've brought you here.
"Bells ring aloud.
Fireworks soar above.
Matches are made in heaven, but what causes those matches to happen?"
Can you hear me?
"Bells ring aloud.
Fireworks soar above.
Matches are made in heaven…
but what causes those matches to happen?"
Marriage!
I am your superman
Superman
You are my lady
Lady
We're in love already
Super, super… superman
Hail the Goddess!
What are you doing, Bhawra?
Hail the Goddess!
Can you see her now?
She's turning into the Hulk! It's her second personality!
Hail the Goddess!
Had I not arrived on time, she would've devoured you for good.
You said I was hallucinating!
You got my balls crushed by our boss!
Now, shall I unleash her on you?
Shall I?
Do you still want to take her to pee?
Hail the Goddess!
Hail the Goddess.
Unchain her.
Careful.
It's all right. Everything's all right.
Poor thing.
Who?
Who else?
Are you blind?
Weren't you being a bit too harsh on her in the forest?
She is a woman, after all.
She isn't a woman.
She is a vicious soul, who has possessed poor Roohi.
Remember, when those old ladies would get possessed in our town…
they used to fall unconscious in seconds.
But Roohi is gravely possessed.
She's in a lot of trouble, Kattanni.
We must do something.
Right, bro.
We must do something.
What's all this?
Breakfast,
lunch, and dinner.
But I'm a vegetarian.
Don't be so selfish.
The other one prefers non-vegetarian food.
Abracadabra!
What are you doing?
This book has all the spells to recall "the other one."
First, we will start with the summoning spell.
Abracadabra!
For what?
Introduction.
Look, we have met,
but I couldn't introduce myself to the other one.
Please, cooperate.
Abracadabra--
Is this how you introduce yourself?
Oh, right.
I was also not sure about this method.
Let's try the Hollywood way.
Like they had shown in The Exorcism of Emily Rose.
When they hold the cross like this, the girl transforms.
Power of Holy!
You're crying.
-Untie me. -Wait, I'll untie you.
By the way, tell me one thing.
You turn into Wonder Woman in front of Bhawra.
Would he have untied you?
Why did you untie her?
Last night, we had a little trouble.
So…
he tied you up.
Sorry.
No need to worry.
Paan?
Not too sweet, not too spicy,
flavorful, with dates, aniseed, cloves, and nuts.
How polite!
Offer her some booze as well, will you?
He's offering a paan to the young girl that too for breakfast.
She might get ulcers.
Look at that.
Who is he?
Spitting here as if, this is some government office.
Come outside, I'll tell you.
-Why? -Come out!
Spitting is not allowed here!
Shut up for God's sake! I'll be right back.
Come.
-Come. -What?
Who on earth is he?
He's giving her a paan for breakfast.
Control your tone.
He's the father of all the exorcists.
He is an expert witch hunter.
Open your mouth, dear.
Don't be scared. Open your mouth.
Be brave.
Do witch hunters look like him?
What are you getting into?
How cliched are you!
Google him!
He's exorcised 135 ghosts.
He has got 250 followers on Instagram.
Chew it.
He's known for his magical concoctions.
As soon as the paan goes in, the possessing spirit comes out.
His paan is the solution for Roohi's problems.
Thanks.
Solution, my foot!
-What have you done? -She has already spat it out.
No, Kattanni! Don't disturb him!
How dare you use that concoction!
Why are you getting in the way?
I'll take away all of his stuff! Then, he'll understand!
Calm down or else, that ghost will possess you!
No, brother!
I couldn't even meet her properly.
Stupid… she has already spat the other one out now.
Now, you can't see her.
Why didn't you put cardamom in that paan, you idiot!
Sorry. I was just…
Run like a fire in the mountain
-Run! -Stop!
Come on, run!
-Run like a fire in the mountain -Quick!
Run!
Stop right there!
-She will come after you -Please, stop!
-She will eat you alive -Stop!
She'll give you a tough time
-Run! Run away now! -What are you doing? Come!
Run! Run away now!
Hey, stop!
Priest--
How can you get scared of her!
Who will exorcise the ghost from her?
She isn't a normal ghost.
She's a special witch.
The Mudiyapairi. The most dangerous kind of a witch.
Great.
So, now, you have caste system among the witches as well.
Run!
Kattanni, let's go!
The witch kingdom has several kinds of witches.
This one is the Mudiyapairi.
What does it mean?
The one with the inverted feet.
It's the most dangerous kind.
Their only dream was to get married.
They couldn't get married,
so now, they possess unmarried young girls to fulfill their dreams.
I can exorcise ghosts and witches, but not this kind.
Then, who's an expert on this kind?
No one.
Getting this witch off our back is next to impossible.
Now, I got it.
My father, your uncle, Zuber's father…
they all say the same about their wives. As if, they are also…
-Witches? -Yes.
There must be some way to exorcise this witch from Roohi, right?
The only possible way is to get the girl married,
but her wedding won't be her wedding alone.
It'll be the witch's wedding as well.
And once the witch gets married to you, she will never leave you.
Whose wedding? What are you saying?
The full moon is upon us.
Now, no one will be able to control the witch.
Forget the girl, and save your own life.
-Hurry up. Let me in. -Where are they keys?
You can't find the keys!
What a bunch of idiots!
Priest! Listen!
Oh, shit!
Kattanni!
Where are the van keys?
-Keys? -Yes.
-Hurry up or else, she'll get us! -I don't have it.
How is that possible?
-You had it. -What are you doing?
Stop it.
I wish there's no clamor
But only spells of silence all around
No one is in this world
Except for the two us
I am lost in your dreams
What better can I do?
O dreamy-eyed one
-Tell me, what's your name? -What's your zodiac sign?
You seem like a Leo from your personality.
Why are you so short-tempered?
Wear a pearl.
On your pinkie.
Kattanni, let's go!
Hail the Goddess!
No one's going anywhere.
I don't even want to go anywhere.
Kattanni, please! Let's go!
You've got the keys.
Yes.
I've got the keys, and I've got your sister-in-law as well.
Didn't you see how she flashed a smile at me?
I am in love, bro.
If she also loves me…
she will turn around to look at me.
Turn.
No.
Turn.
No.
Turn.
Kattanni.
Turn.
She's Emily Rose, she's not Simran from Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge.
Kattanni.
She is definitely my beauty from space.
Did you see how her face was glowing?
I could see the entire galaxy in her eyes.
And her face…
her face resembled the moon.
Your moon has big craters on her face…
and just FYI, not everything with craters on its surface is the moon.
Such a desperate guy!
Falling for a witch!
You've lost your mind.
A boy in love loses his peace, sleep, health, wealth, everything.
I have just lost my mind.
Wait a minute!
See, this is called hallucination.
All these talks about black holes have made you an asshole.
I see, you're not happy for me.
Happy?
There are two of them in one body.
Your girlfriend is living inside my girlfriend's body.
How can I be happy?
Girlfriend?
When did she become your girlfriend?
Nonsense! You were going to abandon her, right?
Then, why did you come back?
For true love, Kattanni.
You won't understand.
I came back for true love. Why else would I come back?
Wow! So, one of us has to sacrifice our true love now.
Well, this is what it has come to.
You've always supported me.
When my father challenged me
to either earn ten grand or sit at the butcher shop…
you helped me rob the dowry meant for our friend's wedding.
He thought that he never got the dowry.
The pervert deserved it.
But how cleverly I gave him the slip!
Whenever I have been in danger,
you, my brother, have always protected me.
Hey, come on.
Do you remember the time when Naeem stuck that sharp compass on the desk?
Yes.
You stuck your hand between my bum and the compass.
It left a big hole in my palm.
My palm still reeks of your bum.
People call us Jai and Veeru from Sholay.
Veeru gave his life for Jai.
Jai did.
Jai gave his life for Veeru.
And you're sacrificing our friendship for a girl.
Wait a second.
We were talking about sacrificing our love, right?
Who would sacrifice his love?
You would sacrifice your love, who else would?
You've been sacrificing everything since childhood, so you cannot change now.
Don't be over sentimental.
To hell with this sacrifice!
I'm going to sacrifice you and your--
Show some manners!
Bhawra!
I'm a yellow belt in karate! Come!
Kattanni, no rocks! You can't cheat like that!
I said, no rocks allowed!
You want to hit your own brother now!
Hit me! Hit your brother!
-Bhawra, now you're cheating-- -Kattanni!
Wait a minute! Stop!
-Go. -No, you should check her over.
It's your girlfriend.
Roohi!
Miss Roohi!
Careful.
Be careful.
Are you okay?
I'll have to take this call.
Wait.
Good evening, boss.
Listen! Take the girl back to Mujeerabad…
dump her at some quiet place, and return to Baagadpur.
Dump her?
You mean Roohi.
The police came all the way to Baagadpur looking for the girl.
This can hamper business.
We won't get any more contracts.
The wedding's been canceled.
Take her back to the city.
That can't be done, boss.
Don't argue with me!
Boss, it's a love triangle now. Can't help it.
Like in the film Saajan.
Now, I'll bring Miss Roohi back respectfully only after marrying her.
Go to Ambiyapur.
Okay, boss.
So, you've decided.
Decided what?
To leave.
To sacrifice.
Thank you.
Duffer!
We're childhood friends, that's why, I'm still here.
Otherwise, I'd have been long gone by now.
Idiot!
All of us are leaving.
You, Roohi, and I.
What about her?
Okay, all four of us are leaving.
But why?
Do you think our boss will let us go just like that?
Last time, he only squeezed our nuts. This time, he'll break them for good.
Oh, no. I am still a virgin. I want my nuts intact.
Let's elope, please.
But we'll have to find a safe place.
If your Godzilla wakes up, we would be caught.
-Show some respect! -Consider it as a promotion.
From lizard to Godzilla.
If even one person gets to know, then try hiding from our boss.
I'll quickly find a safe place, and return soon.
Take care of Roohi.
Don't untie her. Just take care of her.
Good morning.
Here.
"So what if a cauliflower isn't a flower!
Its love and fragrance will empower."
Sorry for keeping you tied up.
I know.
I don't mean to do…
what I do.
Yes. It's that…
look.
You scratched me last night.
It'll make a good tattoo.
Last night?
Yes, it was a starry night.
Last night.
Okay.
I don't stutter.
I just have a little difficulty while pronouncing the letter T,
but I don't have any difficulty with tongue twisters.
"Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn."
See, I don't stammer.
You have a pretty smile.
Keep smiling.
The other one scares me a bit…
because she always screams.
When it happens, darkness engulfs me.
What I see…
is just chaos.
At home, no one even talks to me, except for my father.
They have tried many remedies.
Some say…
that it's a kind of split personality.
While some don't have an answer.
Don't cry, Miss Roohi.
I miss my father.
But then, I think…
it's good that you brought me here.
At least, the burden got off from my family.
No… don't say such things.
Miss Roohi…
I'll get your father, and find the best cure for you.
Wait and watch.
I won't rest until I get this other personality out of you.
I swear on this cauliflower.
You know, Miss Roohi…
even my childhood has been full of tragedies.
When I was in school…
Kattanni!
Don't untie her!
Here's a doll for you.
You…
didn't tell me your name yet.
Afza.
Roohi possessed by Afza.
Roohi-Afza.
Take good care of it.
She has literally raised me.
She's like a mother to me.
Hey, don't expect a lamb for the price of chicken.
That's the one for you.
This one?
Yes, that's the one.
It's time for a riddle! A groom on a horse means…
Marriage.
Sisters-in-law pranking their brother-in-law means…
Marriage.
Getting high and dancing means…
Marriage?
I don't care for an angel anymore
I've lost my heart to a ghost
Are you ready?
-Yeah! -Yeah!
Are you ready?
How's your kidney now?
It feels very good.
Run for us!
Praise the Lord!
Sir!
Are you ready?
Ready.
He's ready!
Cancer? Heart attack? Kidney problem?
Witch problem.
Can you get rid of a witch? I will do anything as you say.
Please, sir.
Who cares about the beauty And allure anymore
I've lost my heart to a ghost
Ghost
Hold him, son! Hold him!
-Hey, hold his legs. -He won't bite, right?
No! Just hold his legs!
What just happened?
The priest's job is to exorcise ghosts.
He has no control over who the ghost possesses next.
Is this some Bluetooth ghost transfer technique?
Hey, stop!
I've lost my heart to a ghost
You know everything.
Who labeled you as a "ghost"?
You seem like an alien to me.
I am a witch.
Then, why don't you possess me?
Oh, you are blushing.
I've convinced myself For the moonless night
I'll eagerly await
The start of my love story
I'll date the queen of ghosts
She's been cured.
Glory to the priest!
Everyone, hear me out!
Where is the priest?
There is no priest.
It's all a sham, it's fake.
There is no such thing as a ghost.
All this is just to scare you, and mislead you.
She was cured by science.
Always believe in science.
-Glory to the science expert! -Glory to the science expert!
You'll realize when you'll actually see the Mudiyapairi witch.
Glory to the science expert!
Oh, no! Bulldogs!
So, we're bulldogs now.
What are you? A cute Pomeranian, right?
If you keep clicking cute pictures here, who will report to the boss?
Boss hasn't installed Wi-Fi yet, or else, I'd have sent him a daily video report.
Did you hear their demands, Pandit?
One wants Wi-Fi, and the other one wants a wife.
They underestimated us.
Scoundrel! Boss has said that the girl's wedding has been canceled.
So, he wants you back! Now!
Miss Roohi!
Kattanni!
Miss Roohi!
Oh, no!
Miss Roohi.
Are you okay?
This…
no, it's okay.
Nothing happened.
Kattanni.
Are you okay?
We'll have to get out of here.
Where would we go?
There is a place.
Chimattipur.
Boss.
Mudiyapairi.
Sign these papers.
We've informed the police.
They will come, and take your statement.
You'll be shocked to see it.
Both of them have been beaten to a pulp.
One couldn't take it, and the other one fell unconscious. Here.
Have you seen this girl?
Sir, show him the other picture.
What about her?
Where is she?
Chimattipur!
WELCOME TO CHIMATTIPUR
"The only place to exorcise…
all kinds of ghosts, ghouls, and spirits."
Glory to Goddess Chimatti!
If you know any such person,
who's been possessed by a ghost, a ghoul or a spirit…
then hand him or her over to the pandit at the reception.
Only the pandits of Chimattipur can--
Keys, please.
Where?
There?
Here.
And yes, don't forget one special warning.
Smoking, drinking, and Mudiyapairi witches are banned in Chimattipur.
FOR ANY COMPLAINTS, REACH OUT TO US
Good night.
Go on.
This--
Here are your clothes.
Don't worry, I'll be right here.
Next door.
And…
good night.
WELCOME TO CHIMATTIPUR FIVE STAR LODGE
Hey… good morning.
Come on! Hurry up!
Get down!
-Careful. -Let the old woman get down!
Come on, get down!
Pandey!
-Pandey! -Hey!
Get in, come on!
You traveled on the roof!
It was a blast, man.
Where is Kattanni?
He's sleeping.
-I called you here urgently-- -Here's the suit you asked for.
It's Grey!
So, what's the occasion?
Marriage.
Marriage?
Will you help me? It'll be one last marriage by capture.
-Marriage by capture? -It'll be a small one.
Who is getting married?
I met one girl. Her name is Roohi.
You?
And?
I'll tell you.
It's a long story.
-Glory to the science expert! -Glory to the science expert!
You'll realize when you'll actually see the Mudiyapairi witch.
-Glory to the science expert! -Glory to the science expert!
Only 200?
Why? Isn't that enough?
Give me one more of 200. Even the cougars don't ask me to add minutes
worth 400 bucks to their cell phones.
Are we good now or you want the latest iPhone as well?
Its only solution is to get the witch married,
but both of them will be married then, the girl and the witch.
Again, the wedding!
Back there, you were being so overconfident…
but you don't even have a proper solution.
This is not an election, so don't expect the results so easily.
Do you know what kind of a witch Mudiyapairi is?
Do you know what a full blue moon does to her?
Full blue moon?
That bloody exorcist also said the same thing.
When the most auspicious constellation…
and the full blue moon come together,
this group of witches sets out on a hunt.
If the witch sees that the groom is sleeping,
she possesses the body of the bride.
Then, she has to get married…
within a year before the full blue moon appears again.
And what happens if she doesn't get married within a year?
Death.
Death of the witch and the girl.
What kind of a horror story are you making up! Tell me the solution.
Tell me what to do.
Faux wedding.
What?
Faux wedding with the girl.
The witch is only focused on her…
because she wants to get married at any cost.
She just wants to be someone's wife.
But what if the guy she marries…
is already married to someone else?
Then, what?
Then, the witch won't be his wife.
She will be his mistress.
And a witch will never agree to be someone's mistress.
She will immediately leave the body of the mistress.
Oh. So, if I marry someone else first…
and then marry Roohi, the witch will leave her body? Wow!
That's perfect then.
There is a risk involved.
What risk?
The witch might get furious.
And she might attack in a fit of rage.
This rage can harm the girl or her husband.
Or even both of them.
Come on! Can't you give some kind of assurance that the plan will work?
How can an old lady like me give that assurance?
It all depends on her mood.
You are ready to take the risk of getting married,
but we must find a girl…
who has lost her will to live.
Got it?
Yeah, I got it.
I am ready.
Ready for what?
If you're ready to risk your life, then even I am ready to marry you.
-But only marriage, okay? No hanky-panky. -Idiot!
Why would I risk my life for you?
I am giving you a solution and you're expecting me to sacrifice my life!
Well, it's hardly a solution.
You made it sound like you are James Bond,
but now, you are criticizing me!
You've also got to take some risk.
Why?
It's time for me to enjoy my life. And you want me to sacrifice it for you!
Be practical. You don't have much time left anyway.
Put it to someone's use.
Life is short. And you wasted my time.
What a thankless idiot you are!
What are you doing?
You won't get another handsome husband like me.
Marry me.
Even my dog won't marry you!
I am asking you to marry me, not your dog!
But it sounded as stupid as you are!
Wait a second.
When Manish had trouble with his stars,
he got married to a dog first to trick them.
If we can trick the stars, then we can trick the witch as well.
This is not a game.
Auntie…
what if I marry a dog--
Forget it. It's not a good idea.
It's a mind-blowing idea!
I must appreciate your wild brain.
But listen…
the wedding needs to be proper.
Nothing should be fake.
Okay.
Then, find me a good dog.
Wait… how do you know all this?
Hey! You're being too frank now!
It's been 40 years…
but my feet are still not completely straight.
Your… faux wedding?
What about your husband?
Even your life's in danger, son.
There is a place called Chimattipur.
Across its river, there's a pious place for dogs.
That's where you can get married.
It's a different kind of wedding you're talking about.
I'll do anything for Miss Roohi.
And you'll let me shoot it, right?
Let's go.
Let's go!
Where?
Someplace better than this.
Where is Mr. Pandey?
Why? Do you have a problem with me?
No, I don't have a problem with you.
It's just that he's a bit more responsible.
Oh, you think he's more responsible!
Don't let his innocent face fool you!
He's the Casanova of old aunties, and you think he's responsible!
Look, your stars are in disarray.
It often affects the mind.
Don't worry, I am friendlier than him.
Listen.
Please, go away.
I am already in a lot of trouble, and you really scare me.
I understand what you two are up to.
But I won't let this wedding happen.
Whose wedding?
Yours with Bhawra.
Who said I am marrying him?
I see!
Then, tell me. Why else would he have a tuxedo?
He can't marry me without my permission.
Of course, he can.
That's how we do it.
And what you're doing isn't right.
There is someone else inside you, and she also has desires.
So what if he has got the American guy as his best man!
I'll get the bride!
Please!
-No! -Come on!
Have you got the flowers?
Did you forget to bring the sweets?
No, Auntie. I have got them.
Hey, wait!
Call the groom.
I am ready, but the bride is taking too long to get ready.
Wow!
What's the groom's name?
-Bhawra Pandey. -Bhawra Pandey, son of?
-Tataiyya Pandey. -Tataiyya Pandey.
No, Tat--
What's the bride's name?
Tell me the bride's name.
Preeti Kumari.
Let the bride and groom hold hands.
Grace her forehead.
Promise her every kind of happiness. Be it, mind, body or soul.
What? Body?
Isn't he being too real?
The wedding has to be genuine for the trick to work. Take an oath.
Congratulations.
There's still time.
JUST MARRIED
Be calm, my dear. It's only for a day.
I'll find you a better partner after that.
Okay?
Hey--
Wow! So, both of you are happily married. I see.
Come on, then.
-But what's the matter? -Get off the bloody boat!
-She might attack you-- -What are you looking at? Beat him!
But what's the matter?
-Come here. -What--
Tell him what happened!
I'll tell you!
You scoundrel!
You knew that the Mudiyapairi witch…
is banned in this town, right?
Didn't you read it before?
Chimattipur is blessed to have priests who exorcise ghosts,
and the only source of income we priests have is…
curing these possessed people.
Every morning,
we offer the hair of the possessed to the Goddess.
As the hair gets burned in the holy pit, the spirits get exorcised.
But today, you got this girl in the town…
who was possessed by the Mudiyapairi witch.
And the Mudiyapairi witch is banned in Chimattipur.
I knew it.
Something's possessing you.
Come, let's get rid of the ghost inside you.
-Please, no. -Come on. Let's go.
Come, give me your hair!
Let's offer your hair, come!
-Please. -Come on. Let's go.
Please!
No!
Hey, barber! Come here!
It's the Mudiyapairi witch! Run!
Glory to Goddess Chimatti. Have mercy.
I must see Roohi.
I know the cure.
I'll get rid of the witch.
I'll do it.
You can't exorcise her.
If you sign a contract, fulfill it!
Bring his bride! The wedding is right around the corner!
Is this a joke?
What happened to your 100% success rate?
Your to-be bride is possessed…
by the Mudiyapairi witch.
Oh, please! Tell these folklores to my grandma!
Why don't you accept that age has caught up with you?
Everyone, Guniya Shakeel is retiring from his business!
If you're destined to marry a witch…
then, I'll get her for you!
This kind of silence is eerie.
Let's inform the groom…
that we can get him any other girl but this.
Let's not confront the witch.
I've signed the contract.
So, I'll have to fulfill it.
No, please!
Why don't you let me die?
It's the time for full blue moon.
Won't you get married even today?
I won't! I won't get married!
I've been with you for a year now, and you still consider me your enemy!
You have destroyed me!
You have ruined my life!
You are my enemy!
Strength! I am your strength!
The strength that you never had!
I know all your fears!
I've seen you at your worst,
and you still want to destroy me!
See beyond the pain!
Feel this power!
The only cure for all your problems is…
marriage!
Brother Guniya, let's go.
Shut up.
You want to get married…
and I have a contract to fulfill.
Tonight is important for both of us.
I have got a groom for you.
He is desperate to get married.
Accept my deal or else,
your life will be in jeopardy.
HAIL GODDESS CHIMATTI
Do you really know the cure?
How are you going to cure her?
Brother… instead of ruining our friendship for her,
let's just forget it, and go with the flow.
Can't we both marry her?
Are you nuts? How can we both marry one girl?
But I want to marry the other girl!
Okay, I admit they're in one body, but I don't mind sharing her.
Don't be kinky. Got it?
The body belongs to Roohi, not to your Godzilla.
Stay away from her.
I don't want a physical relationship.
This is platonic love like never before.
Kattanni,
she isn't a cell phone with two sim cards…
that we use as per our network. Control.
Get this, Bhawra!
If you're going to be like this, I will never let her be yours. Ever.
Then, even I won't let your Mudiyapairi stay in my Katy Perry's body.
Get that clear!
Hey, Kattanni! Pandey!
Check this out. Look whom I ran into.
That's your boss, right?
Shakeel?
Did you see that?
Your witch is so desperate.
All she wants is to get married.
Doesn't matter if it is a Tom, Dick or some Kattanni.
We should not give our boss the advantage of our fight.
Let's come together, and save our friendship.
Come on, Kattanni.
Put on my tuxedo.
We will bring your bride back… together.
Let's go.
It is your girl.
Fine. Just kidding, Brother Guniya.
The couple will take nuptial rounds, and the groom will take seven vows.
And you'll have to abide by every vow for the rest of your life.
Are you ready?
Of course, I am. Let's get started.
Hey!
The bride is breaking one vow to take another one.
I didn't expect this from you.
She broke my friend's heart.
Rascal… I'll crack--
My nuts? I know.
What are you going to do with all the nuts?
Get into the business of nut cracking, and quit this business of marriage!
No wonder most marriages you do are fake.
Absolutely fake.
Don't try to act smart!
What a dangerous henna design this is!
I know you're under a lot of pressure…
but how can you forget me so soon?
It's not a marriage…
it's a deal.
Right?
You will marry my groom. That's it.
How dare you coerce me into marrying him!
Let's see whose nuts crack now.
Oh, my God!
Don't leave! The wedding isn't over yet!
-Let go of me! -Be professional!
Stop!
Stop this faux wedding!
Who is she?
Faux wedding? What faux wedding?
This groom got married to a dog earlier…
and now, he's trying to do a faux wedding with you.
He's taking advantage of your desperation. He's betraying you.
What is she saying, Kattanni?
I don't know this stupid lady, darling.
Here is the proof of his betrayal.
This…
and this.
Shame on you, Kattanni.
This proves nothing.
Baby, she's hacked my account.
He'll trick you into being his mistress so that you leave Roohi's body.
You'll just be his mistress.
Kattanni, you betrayed her!
Liar!
Baby, don't listen to her!
Sit down. Sit down for the sake of God.
You!
You'll marry me!
Me?
Okay, I'm coming!
Don't beat me! I'm coming!
Sorry, Kattanni.
Bhawra!
I'm coming! Just lower your hand first!
Let me take this.
Start with the nuptial rounds.
What happened? Are your feet heavy?
The moon will set. Hurry up.
You'll die! You'll also die!
Let this marriage happen!
Who will die?
Miss Roohi.
Miss Roohi, I'll handle everything.
This is the only cure.
Let's get married now. Come on.
Come on.
How long am I supposed to depend on others?
Miss Roohi… what are you doing?
What are you doing? Don't do this!
We shall live together, and be together forever.
It's my promise.
You have given me strength. So, we will protect and cherish it together.
Today…
Roohi will marry Afza, and be happy together.
If you're ready to keep these promises…
even I am ready.
On this final night of the full blue moon…
I am ready to take these vows with you.
Brother…
whosever love is true…
his girl will definitely turn back.
Turn back.
-Turn back. -Turn back.
That's them.
Namaste, Dad.
Where is Roohi?
She ran away.
With whom?
With herself.
Hey, we're not really a couple.
Auntie, what should I do about Preeti--
Auntie?
Oh, shit!